Humor Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I have three kids, one of each.

— Rodney Dangerfield

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I was a poster child... for birth control!

— Rodney Dangerfield

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a…

— Rodney Dangerfield

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room,…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open…

— Rodney Dangerfield

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

— Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

— Rodney Dangerfield

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

— Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

— Rodney Dangerfield

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

— Rodney Dangerfield

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be…

— Rodney Dangerfield

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

— Rodney Dangerfield