Ifs Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

— Rodney Dangerfield

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

— Rodney Dangerfield

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

— Rodney Dangerfield

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

— Rodney Dangerfield

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

— Rodney Dangerfield

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

— Rodney Dangerfield

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look.…

— Rodney Dangerfield

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff…

— Rodney Dangerfield

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

— Rodney Dangerfield

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

— Rodney Dangerfield