I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
