You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
