I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
“I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.” — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop?… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
