I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
