One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
