I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
