She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married?… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
