Ifs Quotes by Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

— Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

— Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

— Henny Youngman

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

— Henny Youngman

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

— Henny Youngman

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

— Henny Youngman

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

— Henny Youngman

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I…

— Henny Youngman

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

— Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

— Henny Youngman

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

— Henny Youngman

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

— Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

— Henny Youngman

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

— Henny Youngman