A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?"… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?' — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
