A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?' — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
