Ifs Quotes by Mark Twain

If you've got a nice fresh corpse, fetch him out!

— Mark Twain

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

— Mark Twain

There isn't anything you can't stand if you are only born and bred to it.

— Mark Twain

If you can't stand solitude, perhaps others find you boring as well.

— Mark Twain

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks- if we agree with him.

— Mark Twain

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

— Mark Twain

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— Mark Twain

I could forgive the boy, now, if he'd committed a million sins!

— Mark Twain

If we learned to walk and talk the way we learn to read and write, everyone would limp and stutter.

— Mark Twain

What is the chief end of man?-to get rich. In what way?-dishonestly if we can; honestly if we must.

— Mark Twain

Blasphemy? No, it is not blashphemy. If God is as vast as that, he is above blasphemy; if he is as little…

— Mark Twain

Damn these human beings; if I had invented them I would go hide my head in a bag.

— Mark Twain

I have thought many times since that if poets when they get discouraged would blow their brains out, they could write very…

— Mark Twain

If there was two birds sitting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first.

— Mark Twain

If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, you could not have graduated with higher honor than…

— Mark Twain

Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if…

— Mark Twain

It is agreed, in this country, that if a man can arrange his religion so that it perfectly satisfies his conscience, it…

— Mark Twain

In God We Trust. It is the choicest compliment that has ever been paid us, and the most gratifying to our feelings.…

— Mark Twain

If there is one thing that is really cheerful in the world, it is cheerfulness. I have noticed it often. And I…

— Mark Twain

To write without pay until somebody offers pay. If nobody offers pay within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance…

— Mark Twain

I would not read the proof of one of my books for any fair & reasonable sum whatever, if I could get…

— Mark Twain

Low comedies are written for the drawing-room, the kitchen and the stable, and if you cut out the kitchen and the stable…

— Mark Twain

If the Christians of America could be persuaded to vote God and a clean ticket, it would bring about a moral revolution…

— Mark Twain

Whose property is my body? Probably mine. I so regard it. If I experiment with it, who must be answerable? I, not…

— Mark Twain

Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received…

— Mark Twain

God made all the animals in a single day; he could have swept them all away in the flood and re-created them…

— Mark Twain

Such is professional jealousy; a scientist will never show any kindness for a theory which he did not start himself. There is…

— Mark Twain

By reading keep in a state of excited igorance, like a blind man in a house afire; flounder around, immensely but unintelligently…

— Mark Twain

If Christians should vote their duty to God at the polls, they would carry every election, and do it with ease. They…

— Mark Twain

...the person that had took a bull by the tail once had learnt sixty or seventy times as much as a person…

— Mark Twain

I am technically "boss" of the family which I am carrying along-but I am grateful to know that it is only technically…

— Mark Twain

If I were required to guess off-hand, and without collusion with higher minds, what is the bottom cause of the amazing material…

— Mark Twain

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

— Mark Twain

If horses knew their strength we should not ride anymore.

— Mark Twain

If one is honest there is no need to remember.

— Mark Twain

In God We Trust. I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true.

— Mark Twain

If we had less statemanship we could get along with fewer battleships.

— Mark Twain

If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

— Mark Twain

If smoking cigars is not permitted in heaven, I won''t go.

— Mark Twain

You can't make a life over. Society wouldn't let you if you would.

— Mark Twain