Humor Quotes by Mark Twain

I can last two months on a good compliment.

— Mark Twain

The funniest things are the forbidden.

— Mark Twain

Comedy keeps the heart sweet.

— Mark Twain

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

— Mark Twain

There is no humor in heaven.

— Mark Twain

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow.

— Mark Twain

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

— Mark Twain

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

— Mark Twain

“Eh bien! I no see not that that frog has nothing of better than another.”

— Mark Twain

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

— Mark Twain

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

— Mark Twain

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

— Mark Twain

“The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French.”

— Mark Twain

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

— Mark Twain

“Today the same thing over. I've got it up the tree again.”

— Mark Twain

“I've had a very difficult life. Fortunately, most of it didn't happen.”

— Mark Twain

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are…

— Mark Twain

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four..

— Mark Twain

A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom,…

— Mark Twain

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between…

— Mark Twain

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.…

— Mark Twain

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect…

— Mark Twain

Wit and Humor - if any difference, it is in duration - lightning and electric light. Same material, apparently; but one is…

— Mark Twain

...nothing so liberalizes a man and expands the kindly instincts that nature put in him as travel and contact with many kinds…

— Mark Twain

The true and lasting genius of humour does not drag you thus to boxes labelled 'pathos,' 'humour,' and show you all the…

— Mark Twain

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you…

— Mark Twain

I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs. I can't spell, but I…

— Mark Twain

“The Jabalites … They worship no god; and if we in goodness of heart do send a missionary to show them the…

— Mark Twain

Comedy keeps the heart sweet; but we all know that there is wholesome refreshment for both mind and heart in an occasional…

— Mark Twain

“Mark Twain describes how his friend Ralph Keeler introduced him at the start of a lecture: " 'I don't know anything about…

— Mark Twain

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we…

— Mark Twain

“Occasionally, merely for the pleasure of being cruel, we put unoffending Frenchmen on the rack with questions framed in the incomprehensible jargon…

— Mark Twain

“First they done a lecture on temperance; but they didn't make enough for them both to get drunk on. Then in another…

— Mark Twain

“It was such ecstacy to dream, and dream - till you got a bite. A scorpion bite. Then the first duty was…

— Mark Twain

So you see, the quality of humor is not a personal or a national monopoly. It's as free as salvation, and, I…

— Mark Twain

“Lying is universal - we all do it. Therefore, the wise thing is for us diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully,…

— Mark Twain

“The first glance at the pillow showed me a repulsive sentinel perched upon each end of it--cockroaches as large as peach leaves--fellows…

— Mark Twain

I thought tamarinds were made to eat, but that was probably not the idea. I ate several, and it seemed to me…

— Mark Twain

“The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of…

— Mark Twain

“A humorous treatment of the rigid uniformitarian view came from Mark Twain. Although the shortening of the Mississippi River he referred to…

— Mark Twain