Humor Quotes by George Carlin

What year did Jesus think it was?

— George Carlin

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

— George Carlin

"No comment" is a comment.

— George Carlin

It's never just a game when you're winning.

— George Carlin

“Sports fans eat shit.”

— George Carlin

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

— George Carlin

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

— George Carlin

“Twat is twat and that is that.”

— George Carlin

“Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.”

— George Carlin

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

— George Carlin

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

— George Carlin

“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.”

— George Carlin

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

— George Carlin

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

— George Carlin

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

— George Carlin

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

— George Carlin

“It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why…

— George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

— George Carlin

“The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.”

— George Carlin

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

— George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're…

— George Carlin

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding…

— George Carlin

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the…

— George Carlin

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap,…

— George Carlin

I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO…

— George Carlin

Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids…

— George Carlin

Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought…

— George Carlin

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura,…

— George Carlin

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some…

— George Carlin

“And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the…

— George Carlin

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's…

— George Carlin

“Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta…

— George Carlin

“Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong.…

— George Carlin

“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several…

— George Carlin

“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a…

— George Carlin

“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of…

— George Carlin

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No…

— George Carlin

“And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will."…

— George Carlin

“Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of…

— George Carlin

“Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so…

— George Carlin