If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board'. Well, what the hell is 'pre board'? What does that mean? To… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't think drugs are a problem; I think they're a symptom. As long as Americans are empty, spiritually, emotionally, morally empty,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man ¦ Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
That's basically what the drive is: "I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
![“They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.” quote by George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/0d0/george-carlin-155_administration_they-the-reagan-administration-want-to-p_3153402.jpg)
![“By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.” quote by George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/800/george-carlin-155_albums_by-the-next-one-albom-occupation-foole-i_640899.jpg)
![“I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.” quote by George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/02d/george-carlin-155_believe_i-believe-myself-to-be-a-worthwhile-and_1294423.jpg)
