Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Were having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, were having a swan. You get more stuffing. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man ¦ Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
