Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches?… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest:… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Just because you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
