If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
