I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
