I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal...… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
