I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
