I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
