Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
