My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
