Time Quotes by Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

— Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have time

— Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

— Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

— Steven Wright

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

— Steven Wright

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

— Steven Wright

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

— Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

— Steven Wright

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about…

— Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set…

— Steven Wright

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

— Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what…

— Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.…

— Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

— Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

— Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up,…

— Steven Wright

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report.…

— Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my…

— Steven Wright

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

— Steven Wright

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

— Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

— Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

— Steven Wright

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

— Steven Wright

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time.”

— Steven Wright

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

— Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

— Steven Wright

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

— Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

— Steven Wright

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

— Steven Wright

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

— Steven Wright

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it.…

— Steven Wright

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three…

— Steven Wright

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one…

— Steven Wright

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

— Steven Wright

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The…

— Steven Wright

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too…

— Steven Wright

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of…

— Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said,…

— Steven Wright