I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
