I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
