I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
