I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote". — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
![“A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'” quote by Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/6ae/steven-wright-432_car_a-cop-stopped-me-for-speeding-he-said-wh_1022504.jpg)
