The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Nietzsche famously said, 'Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' What he failed to stress is that it ALMOST kills you. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a 'Kanye moment.' Unfortunately a Kanye… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama's offer to become secretary of state. That's what they're saying in the New York Times.… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, President Obama said, 'Don't… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Some people are saying Bill O'Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s. People became suspicious because O'Reilly said he was injured… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, 'I'd… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The three auto companies in the United States, they're all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves.… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said 'Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Donald Trump said prior to the debate that he wants to be very civil. He said that instead of referring to all… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they've haven't seen a whiteout like this since last week's Oscar… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said 'Hey,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot ... to legalizing pot. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, 'Usually when I… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump's Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, 'Now… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, 'Just keeping my options open. It's… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are -… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
“Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality.” — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
