Apprentice Quote by Conan O'Brien

A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect…

— Conan O'Brien

NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To…

— Conan O'Brien

People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.

— Conan O'Brien

A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE…

— Conan O'Brien

Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how…

— Conan O'Brien

The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on…

— Conan O'Brien

LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they…

— Conan O'Brien

A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other…

— Conan O'Brien

Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said,…

— Conan O'Brien

President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to…

— Conan O'Brien

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

— Conan O'Brien

“Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality.”

— Conan O'Brien