I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out? — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
I had an amazing experience in Cuba. People there are fantastic. But I do have to say it's very nice to be… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People in China criticized President Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing. They're saying he looked like a… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
McDonald's released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren't made out of… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare - which is odd because most people won't eat… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today's tragedy in Paris reminds us very viscerally that it's a right that some people are inexplicably forced to die for. So… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People are already talking about the next presidential election. There's stories all over about who might run. At a recent speech, a… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France.… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, 'Trust me, I… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Yesterday, after the Thanksgiving parade, Donald Trump appeared at Macy's to promote his new line of fragrances and business suits. Unfortunately, there… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Don't thank your parents. If you were raised in a nurturing environment, you wouldn't be in show business. Don't say, 'Wow, this… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with -… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That's right, the economy… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
“Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality.” — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
