Tomorrow is Election Day. That's the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn't register to vote. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Mexico's No. 1 drug lord has escaped from prison and may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong. They… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, "Back-to-back number ones!" — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn't that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama's offer to become secretary of state. That's what they're saying in the New York Times.… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People are already talking about the next presidential election. There's stories all over about who might run. At a recent speech, a… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
When it comes to being visionary in stealing, the Republicans do better than anybody. It's really something to see. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Just days after Mitt Romney suggested he might run for president, there's been a backlash. The backlash is led by Jeb Bush,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Donald Trump refuses to give details about his policy plans. Trump apologized by saying, 'When I announced I was running for president,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says 'not racist' like… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
“Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality.” — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
