Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace's last user went private. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, 'Just keeping my options open. It's… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Arnold Schwarzenegger is in some trouble. Today, the Los Angeles Times broke a story that quoted six women who claimed that Arnold… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
This is official today. China has surpassed the U.S. and now has the No. 1 economy in the world. After hearing this,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yes. This is expected… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today's tragedy in Paris reminds us very viscerally that it's a right that some people are inexplicably forced to die for. So… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can'… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, 'Great, who's… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.'… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot ... to legalizing pot. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
It was reported today that former Governor Howard Dean raised $14 million dollars in campaign funds mostly over the Internet. Of course,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France.… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed.… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
“Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality.” — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
