Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
