Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!" — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
