It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch... — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If you didn’t believe it before — and it’s easy to understand how you might have been sceptical on this point —… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New York is great though. If you?re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
