Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New York is great though. If you?re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If you didn’t believe it before — and it’s easy to understand how you might have been sceptical on this point —… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
