Ifs Quote by David Letterman

Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it…

— David Letterman

You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and…

— David Letterman

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

— David Letterman

There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They…

— David Letterman

I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.

— David Letterman

Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.

— David Letterman

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since…

— David Letterman

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

— David Letterman

“There is no off position on the genius”

— David Letterman

I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to…

— David Letterman

Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really…

— David Letterman

If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

— David Letterman