I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
