Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
