Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on 'Baywatch.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
