Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Let me just say this: You know your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying, 'I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, in the military. This is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids -- and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
