President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama's dog, Bo. But they only see… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, in the military. This is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
