Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word – you have refute and repudiate, and she… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses finally got fed up… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
