Christmas Quote by David Letterman

One time, a burglar came to my apartment, so we called the police. My son was here, so I think they left before they…

— Carine Roitfeld

Surprisingly I've never really stolen anything. One time when I was really young, I was walking down the street, found a GI Joe in…

— Baron Vaughn

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and…

— Jack Handey

“I didn’t steal it—I swear! Oh, as if things never fall into your pocket!”

— Kresley Cole

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Why should anyone steal a watch when he could steal a bicycle?

— Flann O'Brien

“One of the police found a garden chair that I could stand on and they eyed me suspiciously as I tried to slide through…

— Tom Reynolds

“Our story is the only thing we have that is completely our own. A person who steals it and uses it to entertain is…

— Glennon Doyle Melton

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

— Tim Vine

It was on a trip to Africa with my family - I was eight - and an angry baboon jumped through the window of…

— Cressida Bonas

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it,…

— Steven Wright