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Portrait of Jack Handey

Jack Handey

(1949) Comedian United States

358 quotes in 1390 categories

Jack Handey is a comedian from the United States, best known for The stench of Honolulu.

Quick Facts About Jack Handey

Born: February 25, 1949
Nationality: United States
Profession: Comedian
Notable works: The stench of Honolulu

About Jack Handey

Jack Handey is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts, and for his deadpan delivery. Although many assume otherwise, Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character.

Biography source: Wikipedia

Awards & Honors

Emmy Award

Quotes by Jack Handey

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

Deep thought

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I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us…

Bedroom

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At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money…

Bills

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

Deep thought

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I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

Deep thought

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It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he…

Chewing

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Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES…

Deep thought

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I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I…

Deep thought

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Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of…

Aspect

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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood…

Brown

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Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at…

Animal

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When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

Annoying

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When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

Assuming

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He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt…

Dust to dust

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If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would…

Deep thought

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If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the…

Animal

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I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

Answers

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When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one,…

Blessing

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Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS It probably lasts longer, plus it moves…

Birthday

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If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how…

Amusement

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You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.…

Branding

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Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone…

Deep thought

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When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just…

Deep thought

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I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then…

Cinema

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I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a…

Bears

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Jack Handey by topic

Deep thought (280) Thinking (97) People (43) Real (31) Would be (30) Way (30) Guy (26) Bigs (26) Said (25) Should (24) Men (24) Want (23) Trying (23) Firsts (23) World (18)