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Portrait of Jack Handey

Jack Handey

(1949) Comedian United States

358 quotes in 1416 categories

Jack Handey’s humor thrives on the absurd and the unexpected, turning everyday scenarios into hilariously twisted reflections. This set of 358 quotes gathers his most iconic one‑liners and off‑kilter thoughts, offering a quick laugh and a glimpse into his uniquely surreal outlook. Perfect for a quick pick‑me‑up or a deeper dive into his off‑beat wit.

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Jack Handey is a comedian from the United States, best known for The stench of Honolulu.

Quick Facts About Jack Handey

Born: February 25, 1949
Nationality: United States
Profession: Comedian
Notable works: The stench of Honolulu

About Jack Handey

Jack Handey is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts, and for his deadpan delivery. Although many assume otherwise, Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character.

Biography source: Wikipedia

Awards & Honors

Emmy Award

Quotes by Jack Handey

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.

Angel

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Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.

Deep thought

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A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.)

Answers

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I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.

Funny

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I'd rather be rich than stupid.

Inspirational

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I think man invented the car by instinct.

Car

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I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.

Deep thought

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Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Beer

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Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?

Being honest

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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone, man. They're gone.

Deep thought

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If life deals you lemons, why not go kill somone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?

Deals

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Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.

Be proud

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I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

Answers

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Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals.

Cannibal

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The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!

Can't change

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For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for…

Add

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If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd…

Cells

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If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of…

Animal

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I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as…

Deep thought

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Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so…

Answers

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When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people…

Behind you

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If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in…

Able

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People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just…

Animal

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If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done,…

Deep thought

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Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good,"…

Bedroom

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I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said…

Climbs

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MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car -…

Air

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Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling…

Behinds

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The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate…

Ask me

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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think…

Ashamed

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I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to…

Aim

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Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when…

Boards

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Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the…

Balance

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Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I…

Boys

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If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That…

Ashamed

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Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of…

Animal

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I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

Deep thought

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Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

Earth

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Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

Bozo

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If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

Funny

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Jack Handey by topic

Deep thought (280) Thinking (97) People (43) Real (31) Would be (30) Way (30) Guy (26) Bigs (26) Said (25) Should (24) Men (24) Want (23) Trying (23) Firsts (23) World (18) Laughing (18) Looks (17) Littles (17) Animal (17) Hey (16) Wish (15) Sometimes (14) Might (14) Kids (14) Inspirational (14)