If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me and I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
