I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
