Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
