If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
