The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone, man. They're gone. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
